So this is what it feels like to be an adult?

I have compromised myself without even meaning to I feel like I have discovered so much and yet I still have so much more to learn. I have been in love for a while i know love is a big word but all i can think about is how far away I am from him. Do you really have to move a whole continent to realize the guy that mattered most to you was there all along? I guess I did, did i have to mess around with his best friend to realize what a void i have for an excuse of a heart and then continue to play others hearts? I suppose so.  I feel like there is an empty void, when did i become so lackluster about relationships hell when did i become an adult? If being an adult means finally making up my mind with what my heart wants then i should start following it. I'm tired of feeling alone and not caring anymore, I miss him! I miss the way he puts his arms around me and makes me feel so safe, I miss falling asleep on his shoulder, I miss the warmth of his hand in the darkness. I suppose being an adult is knowing what you want, I cannot admit aloud what it is  I want but i know deep down inside what my heart wants.

An early Valentines Day post

I never thought someone like me would have such great friends, i'm not saying it's because i am a horrible person because in all honesty, i am just very shy. I am just saying i don't know what i did to find the people i have now. My mom always told me when your in your sophomore year in college you will come into your own and find your friends. My freshmen year was overall very difficult because my heath at the time was extremely low and any chance of meeting new people was washed away by sleeping sixteen hours a day. It was already the first week and i knew this was going to end as Jenna the sick girl. emo girl and the sick girl  are two names i have known most of my schooling life. It is a brand i am so accustomed to which is why i cannot just turn over a new leaf and am paralyzed by shyness. If people knew me they would know all i want to be is Jenna : not the sick girl . just Jenna, not recognized for her gaunt figure, pale complexion and exhausted eyes  but Jenna a girl known for her character and what she does for others. I have come into my own where yes its still a battle but i have some of the best friends a girl could ask for i realise though i am thousands of miles away from them they are so dear to my heart and impact my every essence of being. 

My original postings took place during a dark time of my semester sometimes i let the darkness in so deep within my heart  i forget how much light my friends provide to distinguish it. This valentines day i am not looking for an i love you  and all the other commercialism that comes along with the holiday  (yes i will admit i am a cynic until someone proves me otherwise) rather i want to celebrate my greatest relationship of all the relationship with my dearest friends so Happy Valentines Day to you all it has been almost 2-3 years now and  i am so thankful you came into my life. Thank you for loving the girl often overlooked and seeing someone who is not a sob story but someone with a huge heart <3 

Why i am never going to try to make friends.

Remember back in elementary school, when your parents would drop you off at the playground and say: play nice with the other kids? I guess i never really understood the concept, i guess its obvious i never knew because while the other kids were playing nice i would be off in an imaginary world of my own. Sometimes the other kids on the playground wanted to be a part of it we would play lava monster or house while other times i would be left to myself. but the point was i never had to compromise my beliefs, now i am in a situation i donòt want to be in and i would rather be friendless living in my own imagination  then become a spoiled entitled brat!

Why i hate getting my feet wet!

This Blank Canvas serves the purpose of none other then a Blank Canvas. So how come whenever i get off that airplane to my beloved Florence i am always weighted down by unneeded baggage? i suppose its because i am afraid. I want to be brave but  how can i when i am so terrified. My dear friend says to risk is to show courage, Yet, i am so afraid of risks, I can make a list of everyone who loves me on both my fingers and toes and then some, I just cannot help but be afraid.
As a child i seemed slower then the other children in my elementary school classes ,while other children were inquisitive and curious i was far more gullible. My classmates would bully me  saying that our teacher died or my hair was turning orange and of course i would believe them. It was no surprise that my teachers assumed i had Aspergers disorder surprisingly they were not far off. I suffer from NVLD: Non-verbal Learning Disorder which is a strain of Aspergers, It makes it very difficult to interact with others without appearing socially awkward or clingy. I am so thankful to my wonderful college who embraces the socially awkward. Through Wells College i have made friendships that I feel will last a lifetime,  I am loved which is a feeling I rarely felt in Highschool let alone middle school.
I am also a very fragile person which is a gift and a curse. A gift because i empathize with  others and serve to many a friend as a great confidante and listener. A curse because i easily break and let others take advantage of me, I am also non-confrontational and would rather isolate myself then confront issues head on
Today I mentioned about why i changed my major from fashion design to Art History and the truth is because i was afraid of criticism.  Criticism comes in the fear of not gaining acceptance from my peers so I suppose it is no surprise why i really hate getting my feet wet.

Waste of Space? Ok by me

An internet joke on www.cracked.com presented  a blog acceptance which read" "Are you ok with this blog becoming a waste of space on the internet which will most likely only be read by your parents and self"? To this question i answer, Please just let this be a waste of space!


 I feel like i stopped blogging because i became so intertwined with a reality that was not mine. I went from just a shy girl who wanted to write about art to having art bloggers all across the web reading my reviews of various museums. I was even fortunate enough to have my writing featured on blogs of such an esteemed caliber.  I am honored for the recognition but i feel like i really lost a part of myself with each entry. I want to be true to myself and admit that i got caught up in a game of numbers, I forgot about the true reason i was writing and began to write to gain a broader following . Although i was one of the youngest writers within my category, i felt like a mere child in comparison to the esteemed bloggers of the Art History Blogosphere. 

I am afraid of criticism which is one of the most dangerous fears of all. with criticism comes rejection by far my greatest fear. In no way do i plan to have a broad following this time. I just want to do something for me. Who knows what this semester will bring? perhaps this blog will be about art and travel or maybe as stated by cracked.com  it will be a waste of space.